Hump Day: Mid-week Musings

February 23, 2010 at 4:15 pm (Hump Day: Mid-week Musings)

Happy Hump Day to all.  While every good Butch knows when hump day is [every day??], it also happens to be the middle of the week.  This seemed to me to be a good day of each week for a generalized checking-in on daily life.  So, Wednesdays will be the day of the week for that stuff:  my thoughts on the random and not-so-random events of the week, how they have affected me, and how I am–or am not, as the case may be–processing them.  I hope it will not be too mundane and that it might be interesting for you and for me.  I hope you will drop in on Wednesdays.

This week’s offering:  This week is pretty simple.  I made it over the hump and that is about it. But, I made it.  I have been job hunting and career shopping for a while now.  This activity presents some of the more daunting situations in regard to my gender and the reaction of others to my appearance.  I had an interview yesterday.  As usual, I rummaged in the closet for I don’t know how long and changed clothes three or four times before choosing to wear my best suit of beautiful blended browns.  I wore one of my favorite shirts with it:  it is dark brown with textured stripes of tan and white and black; it has a high collar for my long neck and it is [of course] a men’s shirt.  I softened my short butch hair to look less severe. I was sure, this time, that I was truly in the middle…not too male looking, but far from girly or overly feminine.  I thought I looked really pretty good.  Then I got to the interview. 

And, there it was.  The familiar sense that I have come to know so well.  I could feel the confusion behind the stares that I can sense long before I see a person’s face.  I have a radar for that way of looking at me that people do when the gender-fuck has hit them square in the face like a stray ball at a baseball game.  I heard my own voice in my head:  Oh hell; here we go again!!  Usually it is the women who get most befuddled.  This time it was the guys.  I went on about my business.  Got through the thing with my shoulders back, my head high and a large internal grin.  [It was a laughing grin].  This happens all the time:

I leave the house thinking I have achieved the perfect middle-of-the-road gender-fuck.  That I have entered the world with a look that is true to myself, but professional and non-threatening–one that makes no real statement either way.  And, then, reality hits me.  No matter what I do, I still look male.  When I am really well dressed, I look kind of GQ or, often,  like a gay man.  I got the feeling yesterday, in fact, that the men looking at me thought I was a gay man until they heard my name called.  I must admit, I do get a charge out of it.  Always have.  Always will.  So, yet another interview has gone by.  And, I can’t help it; I enjoy the confusion in many ways.  I believe that part of my call in life is to push the visual, push the mind and let people sit in their discomfort until they figure it out.  In the rational part of my brain, I try so hard to go along to get along because I need a job.  Yet, I also know that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I can do very little to make others comfortable or to look enough like a female that others do not reject me out right.  It is my lot in life and has been since the first “do you want me to cut your son’s hair too?” my dad got any time I went with him to the barber.  It is OK with me.  For others, not so much.  I guess if I am to enjoy my gender-fucking, there are consequences I have to bear.  And, that is OK too.

The best part:  I have a short-term job this week working as assistant to the Technical Director for the local community theatre.  I love the theatre.  In fact, I had a pretty decent career in the professional theatre long ago in another life–the one the drinking took away.  [That’s another story or two.]  So, it is good to be back in that environment.  It is good to fit in and feel at home.  And, it is really good that I found out today I have been given an extra week.  So, all in all, I’m over the hump with good things in front of the not so good.  It will be really nice to go back tomorrow and cut wood and build set pieces and hang with the guys.

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6 Comments

  1. Blazer said,

    I have to admit to getting a kick out of the confused looks and stutters at first meeting. But some of the fun is taken out of it when I need these people for business. I used to try to downplay my masculinity (frankly without much success) but found that I am much more effective when I do not feel like an impostor. So I now choose the self confidence that comes with feeling comfortable in my own skin. Luckily I have found that even in the conservative industry in which I work, most people are more interested in my knowledge and service than they are on whether I am wearing a man’s shirt and slacks. Good luck in the job hunt.

    • androgynonamous said,

      Glad to hear from you regarding your experiences. In my old profession, things were much easier in regard to my appearance. Now, as you can tell, I fall into shooting for the middle, but my own acceptance of who I am wins out every time and I just can’t bring myself to down play very well. My confidence and appearance are sometimes met with acceptance…other times, not so much. This we learned this week. Things are so strange down here. Because I need the initial approval to get the job, I feel it necessary to try to be…well…softer. But, my internal butch warrior rebels and I go out looking like myself and looking pretty damn good, usually. So, I guess I’ll keep on as I am and trust the right job will come and the acceptance will be there. Thanks for your support; It helps!!!

  2. Scintillectual said,

    Darling, I know this has been such a long, srange trip for you (both in life and in the job-hunting department). I am in awe of the fact that you continue to get up and do it day after day and no matter how degrading, you still do it with grace and dignity. Obviously, I will never, personally, know what it is like to look ambiguous from a gender perspective…but I’ve had a touch of that uncomfortability while folks figure you out…generally among my own GLBTQ community that thinks I’m a straight girl trolling for a one-night stand for a threesome with her boyfriend. I know that WHEN you find a job, it’s going to be one in which you will be able to be true to yourself and no one will give a shit whether you are male, female, or walking somewhere in between. I love you (absolutely just the way you are). xoxo

    • androgynonamous said,

      You are, indeed, my most beautiful high femm…
      I know you love me as I am and I my life is all the richer and better for it; but, then, you always have seen me as I am and accepted me–as I do you. You would have liked what I wore the other day…*grin* I believe in my heart you are right. There will come a job where I am accepted and appreciated for who I am professionally. In the meantime, it truly is a long, strange trip!!! It means the world to me that you are here for the journey…Talk to you soon, Sugar.

  3. royaroo said,

    I’m so glad the timing worked out such that this was the first post I read on your blog. It’s very much something that I can understand and partially relate to… especially right now when I’m looking for a job and working in retail at the same time. Gotta love the blatant stares from customers when they have that “wait…is It a gay?” moment, though it does put a minor dent in the confidence when sending out the next resume.
    I just had a conversation (or attempted to have) with colleagues at work about dress codes and gender presentation – I wear guys’ clothes, but am a woman. So do I follow the rules for men or women? I wear the exact same clothes as my male counterparts, but as a woman I am not required to tuck in the shirttails. I carry a messenger bag, which should be left in the front, but it’s my “purse” and as such is allowed back into my department with me.
    Some days I wish our dress wasn’t so casual… I’d love to see what happens if I wear a tie to work.

    Anyway…. glad to “meet” you and I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts!
    ~r

    • androgynonamous said,

      I so enjoyed your comment. I completely understand the dress code issues. At one of my retail jobs, I dressed like the guys, but they made me keep my messenger bag in the back where the guys put their coats and shit. I used to joke with my friends in my old profession about wearing ties to work–the guys wore ties at Charter. Needless to say, my home is not the safest place to take such risks. Scintillectual was right, I believe; she said we would enjoy coming to know each other. So glad to “meet” you too and I’m looking forward to having more to chat about. Have a great weekend!!!

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