Hey Daddy: Walking Between Worlds

May 25, 2010 at 12:07 am (Walking Between Worlds) (, , , , )

As relationships grow and evolve, it is fairly normal [and often healthy] for there to be moments of discussion about the relationship—the need arises to reflect, to process, to seek greater understanding and closeness. Recently, Scin and I had one such conversation. It is a discussion we have revisited because it is an important one. The topic reflects significant foundational aspects of the connection between us, the love we share, our respect for and understanding of each other, and some fundamental underpinnings in our sexual interactions. There had been an interaction developing in our sex life in small waves and ripples which became one giant wave in one particular evening. What occurred between us was an exchange that many people would refer to as Daddy–Little Girl role playing.

Except, it isn’t really. This, in fact, was the point of the discussion.  We had observed that what was occurring between us was not the classic Little Girl–Daddy exchange we read about all over the blogsphere. We knew what it was not. We needed a better understanding of what it was. Especially since, for both of us, it was—and is—highly erotic and…well…hot.

And, especially, since we had discussed and were clear about my discomfort with many of the exchanges we read about so often. I have always been uncomfortable with anything that smacks of age play or that even comes near a mimicry of pedophilic power-over and sublimation.  Much of my discomfort comes out of my experiences in the fifteen years I spent as a therapist treating the people no one else wanted to treat—the indigent, broken beyond broken, forgotten of our society. Another factor is the nebulous, not fully formed memories from my own childhood. I do not judge others or judge what works for them; but, I respect my own comfort zones as much as I respect the space and predilections of others. So does Scin. Thus, when things like “you are such a good girl” or, “daddy is so pleased with you…” began to fall out of my mouth and produced the responses both of us experienced, it was something we felt we should talk about and explore.  There are a few dynamics we discovered as we talked.

Firstly, it is important to put the exchange in its proper context: that being, there is no context really. What happens in both our verbal exchange and our sexual posturing is not role playing. There is no creation of a scene. There is no adoption of a particular persona for the sake of sex play. It is an organic expression of our personalities and the intimacies of our relationship that seem to simply occur between us—naturally, without any real forethought or confabulation. The sexual dynamic seems also to be a kind of extension of our natural playfulness—as in: to be full of play; pleasantly humorous or jesting. We play. We jest. She calls me “baby boi.”  I call her “baby girl.” These are terms of endearment that fit our personalities and identities. So, that said, there is a particular factor that has significant impact on our sexual expression. 

The primary factor is that I am finally in a place where my two-spiritedness is not only understood but fully accepted. I have never felt quite like a girl. Never. I was never comfortable around other girls. I understood them not at all. They made me nervous and I never felt like one of them. I understood boys. I felt at home with them. And, once out of sight of my mother, I would take off my shirt, hang it out of my back pocket and run around playing with the guys. I preferred them to girls—except I liked to look at girls. A lot. In some strange way, I always felt as if I was a boy, but that I wasn’t grown up yet. I knew there were differences between myself and boys. I knew I had parts like other girls. But in some place in my mind, it felt like I just had not finished growing yet. I was dismayed and nearly destroyed when I started having periods. I felt as if something were dreadfully wrong—and it was my fault somehow; I had in some way failed to make a proper decision to develop as a boy; I had failed to get it right. As if there were a choice. I am, by traditional social standards, a woman with intense male energy. I greet the world and people in it with a sort of masculine spiritual demeanor. People unconsciously respond to me as if I am male. I confuse straight women. They respond to me as they would a male and it throws them off. Men respond to me as one of the guys. And, yet… 

I am also possessive of traits that are seen as traditionally feminine. I am highly nurturing, gentle in general, fairly compassionate—and passionate, about a lot of things—and capable of a great loving kindness. But, I am prone to be aggressively protective. I am also very practical, linear, rational and mechanically inclined. When I was tested, I was almost equilaterally right-to-left brain oriented. So, what do you get when you put all of this into a very androgynous body packed full of male energy? You get a daddy. 

And, Scin is very much a woman who responds to this kind of male presence. She is, in many ways, a daddy’s girl—a fully grown woman who, beneath all her self-assuredness and independence, wants to be cared for, fawned over a little, and wants to please and be accepted. The girl in her loves to laugh, play, engage in silliness, dance and sing. She is also very much a grown woman. She is filled with a sexuality that is confident, powerful, sensual and unselfconscious. She is mature, competent, professional, and a wonderful mother to her son. She has a strong sense of self and is kind and nurturing. She is also strong-minded, willful at times, and is used to taking care of things—used to having to compensate for not getting the kind of caring, nurturing acceptance and support she needed. And, it is not easy for her to be submissive. It never has been. She is a marvelous blending of aspects. These qualities create the main factor that responds so strongly to the daddy traits she sees in me.

In all of this, she and I both are lesbian to highest degree. We express a butch–femme dynamic not because of some philosophy, but because it is simply who we are. It is the blending of energies in me that she has always responded to—that and the fact that I accept them in myself, embrace them, and have learned to live in and enjoy my female body.  For me, the eroticism does not come from a place of desiring a little girl and wanting to sexualize her. Rather, it is something much more powerful and significant. I do not see her as a girl. I see, all at once, all the aspects of her girl-like self manifested in the personhood of this sexually powerful woman. In many women, the little girl is hard to find; she is long gone, murdered by her experiences. Scin wears both her girlhood and her womanhood as she does all things: out loud and proud. It is hot indeed. And, I say to her: show daddy what a big girl you have become.

And she shows me. It is everything good and pure and naughty and nasty. It is edgy and profoundly intimate. And, it is so largely because there is no assumption of false roles. We are simply being who we actually are. Relating to each other as equals who understand and accept each other.  There is something highly erotic about being fully seen and understood. There is something intensely sensual about being loved. That bareness is stimulating indeed. But, there is more.

There is trust. The trust it requires for her to feel a desire to give herself over to me, to release all control and allow me complete access to her, is indeed a powerful force. That she can be so vulnerable—something she does not do easily—and know she is completely safe is highly erotic for her. And, for me. For me, it is the blending of all these attributes that is so sexually charged—the innocence of trust, the child-like openness to be cared for, to be loved, in perfect balance with a mature, confident sexuality. See, this is a big part of it. The safety in the vulnerability. The act of choosing to be fully open and present with your lover, your mate. She knows I will never harm her, that I will nurture her and lift her up even as I penetrate and explore her. Likewise, I know I am fully safe with her. The old no-fly zones are gone. This mutuality of trust and openness is at the core of the submissiveness and dominance that moves within our sexuality. It is not role playing. It is not contrived. It is fluid. 

We move easily and effortlessly between the relinquishing of control and the expression of it. In either case, it is just that—it is an expression of control rather than a use of it. It is both instinctive and conscious. We do this from a place of deep and abiding love for each other. Yet, the energy, the dynamic itself, does not change. Mine is still a highly masculine energy that submits to her when she calls me “boi” and tells me what she wants. She is still the same woman, girlish in all the best ways, who opens her legs and herself to me when I ask her to do so. What occurs between us is not a role playing of any kind. No matter who is doing what to whom, it is an expression of energies, a fluid and organic movement of trust, desire and love, into sexual acts of endearment. When I call her baby girl, she answers because she knows it is one way I express my love and acceptance of her. And, when she says “hey daddy,” I answer not because it is play time, but because it is part of who I am. 

NOTE:  This work is published here as proprietary and may not be reproduced, distributed, sold, or otherwise utilized outside the posting on this site without the express permission of the author; these works are the sole property of the author writing as Androgynonamous or DreadPirateRobert.

 

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18 Comments

  1. Scintillectual said,

    Oh yeah, soooo not what I should be reading when I have so much work to concentrate on but bravo, baby! This piece was so well-done and it isn’t an easy topic to tackle. It amazes me how much our sexual life has evolved even in just the past 5–6 months. I can’t wait to see where the road might lead us next. I love the edginess of this aspect of our sexuality and damn, even when you write certain phrases that are normally reserved for our time alone together, it makes me seriously wet. So daddy, when are you coming home?

    • androgynonamous said,

      Baby, daddy is coming home soon. Just over a week now. Thursday morning I will be at Logan…and, as always, daddy has presents for you. *smile* I, too, am amazed by the evolution in our sex life–as well as other aspects of our life–and I look forward to all the places the road might take us. I hope it was OK that I wrote some of those things here…you will notice there is much I left out as it is wholey ours. I hope that what I have said honored us rather than violated us or our privacy. And, you should know…I discovered it makes me really hot to write those things. Daddy is coming home, Baby Girl. Just a few days now…

  2. Femme Gender said,

    Beautiful, beautiful piece. I guess you could say that both H and I identify very strongly with much of what you have written. No surprises there then eh? *smiles*
    Thank you for sharing this
    fimg X

    • androgynonamous said,

      Thanks so much! It is always good to hear from you…and H. As you know, H and I have things in common, as do the 4 of us; it is a huge affirmation. I have such respect you both and for your partnership. It is a real gift to me and to Scin that you two are here in this world with us. I very much appreciate your comments. Peace and well wishes to you both. Look forward to more with both of you…

  3. Holden said,

    My wife said it, but I’ll say it again, beautiful piece. And so many echo’s, so wonderfully expressed. You’ve vocalised and clarified some of my own issues around being daddy as well as giving me food for thought so thank you.

    • androgynonamous said,

      Holden–thank you so much. Your acceptance of me, through my work, is a welcome and kind thing. I do I have such respect for you and your voice. As you know, I read you and find, so often, pieces of myself there. It is, then, truly an unexpected gift to feel that you, too, find parts of yourself in my experience as well. I, indeed, feel a kinship that is above the norm and am grateful for your presence. I look forward to more sharing of the kin [old definition–understanding and sense of relation–intended] with you. Your support is gracious and kind…and encourages me that I might have something interesting to say. Thanks, again.

      • Holden said,

        I love what you have to say Li and how you say it, with honesty and beauty. I find such a lot of myself in your writing and I’m delighted that you find parts of yourself in mine. As you said kinship. 🙂

      • androgynonamous said,

        Holden, I feel the same way about our exchange. I so appreciate your support; it means a lot to me. Here’s to the kinship…and looking forward to more to come. I am glad we share the mirror. It is a kind and wonderful thing.

  4. Scintillectual said,

    To H and FG: can I just say that I REALLY like you two??? We must find a way to get together one of these days soon.

  5. kerie said,

    I strongly identify with your two-spiritedness and as always I am in awe of your ability to articulate your experience. I wish I had the words to express how grateful I am to have found your blog and the lessons I have learned are invaluable.

    Thank you 🙂

    • androgynonamous said,

      Thank you, Kerie. I am glad that you find some sense of identification here, some sense of kinship. The desire for that is what started me on this path…it would appear it was a good thing to do. I am glad you are here sharing the journey. I learn from you as well; your presence is a gift. Thanks for being here…and, as always, for your kind support.

  6. Scintillectually Yours» Blog Archive » HNT: Montage said,

    […] understanding of this dynamic from a literary point of view, be sure to check out DPR’s Hey Daddy: Walking Between Worlds. If you just want titillation? That would be yesterday’s Wicked Wednesday: That Pleases Me. I […]

  7. Blazer said,

    If there was ever any question as to whether the two of you were the perfect match I think this answers it. You clearly are. The insight you have of each other and the communication you share is amazing and has got to bode well for a very long, happy and hot future together.

    • androgynonamous said,

      Thanks so much for the support, my friend. It means a lot. Look forward to talking soon…

  8. me said,

    I started reading this post to see if it would help, explain, make more sense – but my own issues got in the way again. Perhaps I’m never going to be anything but triggered by the whole butch daddy concept. Anyway, I read it of my own free will. Take care.

    • androgynonamous said,

      Thanks for your comment and for reading here…I wish it had been somehow more helpful for you. I’m not sure what your issues are, and I certainly would not intrude; they are yours, private, and I respect that. But, I hope you were not offended in any way and hope you keep coming back, reading more. Take care as well.

  9. me said,

    Hello 🙂 I was abused as a kid + the whole daddy thing triggers me badly. My issues, not yours – I’m not trying to diss you for what you do.

    • androgynonamous said,

      Did not, for a moment, think you were diss-ing me. Concerned, that’s all. Thanks for sharing. I am sorry for your experience and have empathy for the damage it caused. I hope you noticed in the piece that what we do is a bit different than what goes on with a lot of people. NO Age Play, for one thing. And, for similar reasons. Also, what we do is not “play” in the traditional way. We just seem to fall into certain playful language and posturing–but the is no setting of scenes or intentional role playing. It is not about that. Not always sure what it is about, but I am real clear about what it is not…*shrug and smile* Peace to you. Hope you’ll pop round from time to time.

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